Vinta-Translate

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Meanwhile......down at 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'

The Headlampius Mantodea project is on hold at the moment. Due to the fact that I'm waiting the arrival of a most extremely importanty packagey from Delhi. Yes, the worlds No1 manufacturing hotspot for all motorcycley vintafakey parts is of course Vicky's Royal Enfield Emporium - situated just off the main Rajasthani-kadhi highway.
I've purchased from this most reliable of sources at a velly excellenty pricey a Genuine Delhi Royal Enfield Headlampy. 


 Ruppees have been exchanged and the part is allegedly heading towards the border with the courier service of Korma & Bharji. At this moment they are heading over the snow covered Himalyan pass of Khardung La. At 5602m it takes a dedicated team to attempt such a traverse without Brighty Whities and socks.......


Good luck guys......we are thinking of you !!!!!!
Flagons are raised....and will remain so until the 'Genuine Delhi Royal Enfield Headlight' arrives.....

More news on Vicky and the Famous Royal Enfield Emporium will surely follow.......

Monday, 17 December 2012

Headlampius Mantodea Part 5

The good news is Uncle Billy Bob is safely home..
and the Polish Gerkin Skinners are back doing what they do best......
Let's Vintafake !
Last job on the Forkius Shroudios was to turn the final top locating ring to size. The outer diameter was unknown until they were cut to the correct height due to the taper......
How many brass rings have been turned Albert ? Dunno, looking down the shroud orifice there looks to be hundreds......if not thousands.....
Easy stuff is brass ringing ........now it's time to turn up the heat.
A job for Big Bertha.....with optional screw on No4 gas nozzle attachment.......
Yes, not for the faint hearted I can tell you but I'm ready..........
I'm about to enter the world of Silver Soldering......
FLAME ON !
Just to get me in the soldering groooooooove I started with the 3 part bottom headlampius mantodea support. Fixing the brass bobbins to the clamping face before drilling to accept the 10mm brass rods that will one day bend gracefully skywards to locate with the top support bobbins.....That's the plan anyway...
Only time will tell if this is going to work.....and you dear Vintabloggies will be the first to know

 

In the meantime I have what would best be described as VBobber Ramming Bars.
If this starts a trend ? Why shouldn't it ?
Hey, before ya know it the Prince of Tighty Whities will have some on his L.A. chop.

"Wench.. Fill my flagon with ya best ale for my rammers are ready."




Sunday, 16 December 2012

Carrot Moonshine

Hey Dudes.........it's ya Uncle Albert here.
Just had a big weekend dooon tha Old Sidevalve Bar.....
Yep, first off had to distil ma carrot whiskey into a reet potent juice for a few of the Old Soaks at 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'. Festive season and all that......(They know who they are)
Obviously ma distillation process is super secret.....done in the dead of night over peat fires......
5 gallon of carrot alcohol in.........1 gallon of of finest Carrot Whiskey out.....
Mi homemade still which is cunningly disguised as a central heating boiler to fool the lawmen has served mi well for many a year..
But, hey, this years batch wasn't bottled without incident....
Here's what happened....
Business as usual in 'The Bar'........goodly amounts of brew being consumed...... all happy !
Outback.......in the shed.......I've got the lastest brew on the boil, thanks to Big Bertha our resident blowlamp the vapours are rising.....and condensing........and dripping slowly but surely into the whiskey barrel...
Trouble is mi Uncle Billy-Bob has had a few too many
All of a suddern the Polish Gerkin Skinners are screeching like banshees......
ogień piekło ....... głupie Bastad będzie ustawić jego własny zapalone..................
Uncle Billy-Bob had secretly been on the distillate !!!!!!!"
One spark away from a 'Ring of Fire'
Thankfully the Polish Gerkin Skinners pulled him clear ............
Phew..........

Peace resided and the bottling continued ..........
2012 Carrot Whiskey has passed all tests......

Brew done - Let's Vintafake -

Later.........Better get Uncle Billy-Bob pointed in the direction of home..........
Keep checking the vintafaker blogspot for more action down at 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'
Pour me a big un Katarzyna ya lovely Kiełbasa Polska tickler....I'm thirsty after all that excitement

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Headlampius Mantodea Part 4



Greetings Bloggies - More news from the Vinta-net.
Hey, another new word. 'Vinta-net'  - meaning - Internet (but older)....
That's 2 new words in as many weeks.....
'Educating Albert'  that's me ......(or was that a film ?)

More creative juices have flowed.
More brass has turned..
Is there no end to this madness 
...............hahahahah...........hahahhahahahh........hahahahhahahahhahaah

The observant bloggies amongst you will have noticed the brand spanking new bearing fit to the steering stem that was plated so wonderfully last weekend. I know.....splashed some cash I did. Not only did I buy a bottom bearing but phew-wheee a top bearing was purchased also.....
This double dip into the piggy bank meant I could fit the aformentioned steering parts and get some accurate measurements for the finishing of the fork shrouds and remaining bracketry associated with the Headlampius Mantodea.
I wanted the shrouds to remain free of fixings.....I wanted the headlampius mounticuses to be lightweight looking from the side.......I wanted to make sure that the whole lot doesn't come tumbling down and jam the front wheel when I get to Mach2 speed......That's a lot of  'I wants' and not much 'I know hows'.
So, think, think, and think some more....even when the 'Polish ladies' from the neighbouring Picalilli Factory popped round for a cuppa I didn't stop thinking........why would I ?...


Miserable lot they are anyway - defected from the Wieliczka Salt Mines to skin and chop Gerkins in Yorkshireshireshire !
Hardly a good career move..but hey.....no more golabki for breakfast.

Finally came to the conclusion that my underneath support would transend in a forward pointing direction from the bottom clamping bolt area.......possibly have a sensual twist around the headlampius bowlicus and join the mantodea supports in a profusion of brass and silver solder.      
Total Bollocks ? Maybe ? Maybe not ? I'll say it again for the hard of reading....
Believe my friend in the Vintafake pioneering spirit for it will enrich your soul.......science and engineering pushed to the outer edges of the universe........it's happening here......forget the Large Hadron Collider...bounderies of nano-quark reality have already been breached in 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'


So, with the above plan in mind defenseless pieces of brass were once more reformed with hacksaw, file and lathe. No mercy was shown as I persued my quest.....


 Behold - I lay before you my weekend labours..............you must agree that was time well spent.
Fill mi flagon wi ya finest ale ya saucy wench, I have much celebrating to do !
Stay tuned, I ain't finished yet !


Sunday, 9 December 2012

Throw the Switch Igor !


Greetings Vintabloggers, It is 'I' Albert Crackleport..........bringing news of the Fabulous VBobber Virago.
Yes, I have once more been creating life deep down in the hidden chambers of 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'.

Where forgotten and worn pieces of metal are skillfully resurrected to serve man again......
A last chance saloon for the outcasts of our G4phone and Tablet hungry society !!!!!!!
It is secret work, dangerous work, and high voltage work, some sceptics may say pointless work....
Ha ! One day my creation will live ! Until that day cometh be patient my friends and believe....

Saturday 8th December 2012. The sun shone and my mojo juices started running.......Hey, let's not be wasting mojo......let's vintafake
Turn on the compressed air making machine......and set up the Ikea toybox outside on the patio, complete with greenhouse window lid.
Gonna do me some blasting !!!!!
That steering stem doesn't look pretty.....let the mojo flow.......
Now, here's a ridiculous thing.......in the world of grit blast nozzles I think I've got a big 'un. Which is ok to brag about at Grit Blasting Conventions but a right pain in the ar** when working in a restrictive area.
Fill, blast, fill, blast, empty box, fill, blast, fill, blast, empty box......get the picture?
Ah, well, what is will have to be....A nozzle is for life not just for Christmas.
4 hours later -
Sweet !
Igor!...ready the nickel dipping tank......'I' Albert Cracklestein will now feed electrical pulses through this lifeless yamaha limb and try to recover it's soul......


The toxic vapours were rising from the hot chemical bath, now was the time to throw the switch -
100,000,000,000volts......... zezezezezezezbbbbbbbb     zezezezezezezezezezezezeezezeebbbbbbbbb !

                                           
It's alive ! I say IT'S ALIVE !! The chemistry, the electricity, the ancient wisdoms (no G4phone and tablet shit here) all coming together in a 2 gallon plastic bucket..........a steaming and bubbling coldron of nuclear fussion...................or maybe nuclear confussion......
Behold  .......and wonder at the richness of the nickel colour. The job is done. Happiness and wellbeing once again settle over 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'.  All is peaceful in Vintafake land.

Time for a flagon.

Monday, 3 December 2012

Beer Watch - Almost Live from 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' - Part 2

The mission is accomplished -
'The Old Sidevalve Bar  flagon lifters are all still alive -
The beer was tested -
The seal of approval has been granted -
'Basil's Little Beauties' Best Bitter is officially classed as drinkable.

Here's a couple of action shots during the decanting proceedings.
First the slow pour - Performed for 1 night only without a safety net -

Secondly the full inspection -A picture of true deliciousness

Cheers to the Bradford Hop ! May it continue to grow in it's secret location for many years..........


 




Sunday, 2 December 2012

Beer Watch - Almost Live from 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'

Albert here- In a matter of hours the wait will be over - Today is the day....the hourth approach
As the big event is reaching it's climax I thought it only best that I clear all pickling personnel out of the danger zone. (For their own safety of course,) The Old Sidevalve Bar' flagon lifting stalwarts have had additional H & S training so will obviously be present.

but, unfortunately the resident Russian Shallot Skinners will have to leave the vaults until danger passes.
The trio, known in Syberia as -
 Полюсом Московского государственного танцы и лук кожи зачистки цыплят
 will be back soon though.......many Crunchy Picklingtons are needed for the New Year celebrations.

What's the big event ? Whoops nearly forgot.........In 2 hours a bottle of Basil's Little Beauties will be ceremoniously poured into appropriate vessels and consumed. All in the cause of science.....
Will keep you posted.......

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Greetings 'Lord Timberlake'
Here's a get well message from Yorkshireshireshireshire.
Get thee' 'sen better reet sharpish old chap. There's homebrew to be drunk and we need ya help doing it.!!
In the meantime here's a couple of shots of a reet little beaut to get ya pecker pulsing !



Not forgetting all the best from Martina Halberstadt-Fokkerstrudle' the new 'Fire Bucket Stocker' down at The Old Sidevalve Bar' xxxxxx

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Victory for the Common man.............and the T.A.F.F.s of 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'

Hear Yee ! Hear Yee ! Vintabloggo's. It is 'I' Alberto Cracklepants.
Today I bring good news to the long suffering citizens of Blighty.   
I can confirm that Justice and Equal rights for all Commonors of Yorkshireshireshire has taken one small step forward and nearer our quest for independancy. Yes, 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' will one day be a micronation where freedom of trade and the drinking of beer attract nil tax.
Thank's to the support from a small group of covert agents operating from within the pickling vaults under 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' we have taken on The Border Agency Weasels and WON !
It has been a long and arduous battle. .....Attack and counter attack............Thrust and parry.....
The turnip shovel our weapon, the 'V' sign our symbol of hope.....
(the shemagh and desert sunglasses.......? Answers on http://oilyracer.blogspot.co.uk/  We may not be alone !)

T.A.F.F.s - Thin Ankle Freedom Fighters. 
 "those Fuzzie Wuzzies they don't like the cold steel up 'em" !
Yesterday I received a missive from 'Border Force' They have reviewed my case for a refund and have reduced the duty payable on my 'Collectable Motorcycle Part' from 20% to 5%. Money to be sent to my Swiss bank account to escape further taxation.


 There you have it.....job done....I reckon that's been worth it. A long journey but a worthwhile one...I've ended up paying about £2 duty, and for that I've had letters from 3 goverment departments, and my claim has been to 4 goverment departments....keeping the buggers busy......someone has to !!!!!

 Hip Hip Hurray ! Hip Hip Hurray ! Hip Hip Hurray!
Bring me 2 x flagons Posh - Tis' time to celebrate
 
 

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Life lessons

Greetings 'Vintabloggies'.
Tee Hee ! Vintabloggies! (Hey ! You won't find that in the English dictionary...Brand new tonight !)

So, what's new Albert ?
Well, thought maybe you dear readers would be interested not only in gorgeous lovely vinta-sickles but also in lubricants. Yes, lubricants of the tonsils and clacker ! Commonly known as BEER !
Just like a good sickle, beer lubrication has to be made in a shed not bought at the shop !
So....here's life lesson No1....
Follow me into 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' it's time the wisdom of the elders was passed on....

Amazing - Top Secret stuff - Hops from Yorkshireshireshire.....Small but perfectly formed....
 Add to beer and boil 1 hour to infuse....mmmmmmm
Filter through baking sieve, cool to 20degC. Add a dollop of yeast and stand back....
This is alcohol being made - even as you sleep !!!!
There's other bit's to this brewing lark but I've shown the action stuff........

Whilst the alcohol slowly builds inside the bucket to some super strength knock you down with a feather percentage level there's time to do some Vintafaking.....
I'm still perfecting my zinc plating techniques and it didn't take me long to decide wire-brushing rust bits is for wuzzies. What I needed was a macho blast cabinet.
Macho as in Hey dude, you have your own blasting equipment ? WOW
Own blasting equipment ? Yes, I have indeed, but once again it's small but perfectly formed.
Homebuilt too !

Here's how - 
Main cabinet - Ikea toybox.
Inspection screen/lid - Greenhouse window.
Gun and grit came free with the VBobber
Instructions for use -
Dangle in arms at open corners and cover gap with an old towel....The grit makes my hands tingle a bit.
(mental note - rubber gloves required)
(second mental note - must put window back in greenhouse before winter)
Equivalant spec at Machine Mart over £300 !!!!!!!

Time to fill my flagon and quoff a couple for the alcohol fairies are always busy in the shed and the tap never see's to run dry.........









Monday, 19 November 2012

Another shot across the bows.

Yes indeed, Albert here.
Thought I'd get the week off to an honourable start with another shot across the bows of Weasel H.Q. Better known to most citizens of this fair and just land as THE ROYAL MAIL.
My previous correspondance obviously fell amongst all the other undelivered letters never to see the light of day again deep down under Ye Olde Tower 'O' London.......
Slight slip up at 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' on the previous attack (letter) is the fact that my proof of posting has been through a full wash cycle in my back pocket......unreadable.....and soggy......are words best describing this most important document......The Baroness has denied any responsibility...!!!????!!!....confessing only to removing any money in the pockets before turning the dial to 40degree.....economy cycle....
Nay Nay and Trice Nay......Fear not...'I' Albert Cracklepoticus have quickly attacked with a secondary missive.....
Tomorrow I will once more enter the House of Mail.......Approach the bullet proof glass......bend down and whisper through the slot at counter level.....
'Hey Pat take this message to ya Queen and dunna spare them horses"



Oh aarrr ! Flagon tyme!

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Headlampius Mantodea Part 3

Blimey......been thinking - these young wannabees haven't a clue about Vintafake dress code....
Perish the thought of wearing tightie whities on a bobbed Shovelhead.......
'going commando' is the only way to ride ya sickle.........even in winter !!

Right ! End of that one........let's get back to some shed action.

Been spending quite a bit of time latheing my headlamp fixings.... I knew what I wanted...the hardest bit was making it out of old scrap......
First attempt -


The idea was coming along but the boss was too delicate and looked prone to possible failure at speed.....
A search in the cellars of Crackleport Towers came up trumps. A couple of brass bobbins and a matching brass shaft.
 

What these had been in their previous life is and will remain a mystery. The important part being they have the potential to be recarnated into VBobber headlight parts of distinction.
Mk1 attempt was quickly thrown back in the scrap bin for recycling again... and the first bobbin was secured in the chuck.
Engage forward drive Captain....


Let's boldly go where no man has been before..........drill warp 3

I'd like to say it took a matter of moments to turn this pretty lot but it was longer.......where I wrote longer read 3 weeks......on and off....


Not finished yet so you will have to wait for the final assembly.
Where's Posh with my favourite flagon....?


Tuesday, 30 October 2012

The Prince of 'Tighty Whities' buys Vintafake

Albert here.  Hey ! Before I get started on what's 'appening down 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' take a guess at which cheeky young footie pup has 'bought' a Vintafake
Well I'm not telling you....can't bring myself to mention the dudes name within these very serious jottings but he's the one that models the latest banana hammocks for M&S.
Anyways here's a couple of pictures the sickle...... 

What's with the headlamp bracket?...and the exposed brass?.....

WHO'S BEEN LOOKING IN MY SHED ? 
At least I have proper rust..........
Oy Posh ! Fill my flagon ! It's ale time......

Sunday, 28 October 2012

I'm annoyed. !...... Because.....
I've been thinking. ........I know ...a dangerous hobby is thinking..............
But my thoughts all came to the conclusion I'm being ignored.
Blimey....I'm a citizen of Blighty...........I have rights !..........
Yes, you've guessed it, my refund from the V.A.T. weasels is long long long overdue.
Time to pen a missive. A sort of reminder that Albert is still around and waiting impatiently........




I shall send my communication registered delivery thus building up my data on this office of inactivity.
In the meantime the 2 fingers point skywards outside 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' ........The spiders may have vacated the glove for the winter but this iconic symbol will remain.......


The war is far from over................


Flagon time.......It's thirsty work fighting goverment departments....
Albert out.....

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Near DEATH experience

'Lucky Albert'.....that's what they call me now !
This week I came close to DEATH ! 
Mind you I never said  'Vintafaking' was safe........
Here's what happened...........
Having just spent a couple of peaceful hours zinc plating with my new kitchen work-top set up  I thought I'd earned a flagon (or 2) of liquid refreshment. It's impossible to replicate these ancient metal finishes on a dry throat.....
Pouring myself a 'large one' I took an almighty swigg............
Holy Shi* !!!!!!!! I've just drunk the zinc plating solution...........

The flagon was full of dangerous Bio-Metallica.......(which I'd poured myself minutes previous)
My belly was now pickling in a mixture of vinegar, sugar and epsom salts and god knows how much zinc....
I lay sparko......the powerful elixir of plating had taken it's toll...............my 'vintafaking powers' were ebbing away................leaving my body...........
 
 
Whoa fella ! NOT SO FAST........ Salvation was at hand..........my vital organs are already in a state of picklington thanks to 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' and Balen late night beer sessions......I was fully protected from this Jekyll and Hyde concoction.........or was I ?

For safety sake I have now re-labelled my precious bottle of plating solution.
 
It now carries a rather fetching 'Morrisons Cider Label' or is it the other bottle with the funny pictures...

Anyway's no harm done ! I've still got my good looks and virility........

Goodnight Peeps........Catch ya'll later.....
Albert-Hyde over and out