Vinta-Translate

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Zen and the Art of Vintafake Sustainability.

Hey dudes......I'm back !
Yes, Albert Pirsag Crackleport is still alive !!!!!! Bet you thought I'd fallen into the cider abyss of horizontalness ? No way..........I'm vertical, head at top, feet below.....correct orientation for a human being me thinks...
So, whats been happening ? I've been preparing long term. That's what life as a Vintafewker is all about....
Vintafewker ? Keyboatd malfunkchun !!!!
Vintafaker - A chap of jolly decency who looks after old shite until the kids of today realise they are making a big error by not caring for the treasure of yesteryear! (That's enough Albert old chap, don't be getting upset.) Wake up guys ! The old guys know what they are doing !!!!!!!!Look and learn !!!!!!
So, you've all heard of and read Pirsags 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance'
Pretty heavy going meaning of life stuff....
In fact I read it when I was in my teens and didn't understand a blinkin' word.
(BUT ! Robert M Pirsag (the author)did ride one of the best bikes in the world.....Oh yes ! A Honda CB72 !!! So he's forgiven....)


What's all this to do with the happenings at 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'

As I said, it's about life stuff.......preparation for the future.......Keeping the mojo vibrating.....and the flagons lubricated
I've started getting ready for the arrival of the Commer Comet.
It won't be for a while yet but just like Hayleys Comet it will arrive and astonish all who witness the spectacle...God help them !!!!!!!
Commer Comet - see Oilyracerblog

My preparations involve insuring there is enough fuel on route to enable the Comet to reach the Whiskey Distilleries in Bonnie Skirtland. This will be achieved by growing several harvests of Rape and refining the seeds into fuel oil. The first crop is now undergoing refining....Using beer brewing technology I should be able to reach a high enough octane to satisfy the needs of this highly tuned ex-marine powerplant.



Oh ! Before I go........here's a tip for any thirsty vintablogger......This high octane brew is for sale at our local 'offy' for less than 3 quid a bottle........7.5% phew.......BARGAIN !!.
Not only looks like do-gooders in Manchester are getting a bit steamed up but Posh did too and has banned me buying any more already!!!!!!!!!
There's tonnes of warnings about it on line....Why haven't I heard of it before !!!

A bottle of booze containing more alcohol than a person should drink in a WEEK is on sale in Manchester for just £3.29. The cost-per-unit, of 15p, is more than three times less than the 50p limit which doctors and health chiefs want to impose in Greater Manchester.  It comes amid warnings of a drink-related health time bomb facing the region "This means that people can buy almost six times the lower-risk daily limit for a man for less than £4. There is no doubt that this will have a health impact.
OVER THE LIMIT: The three-litre bottle of ‘Three Hammers’ cider contains more alcohol than men are warned is safe for them to drink in an entire week
    All this cider talk has got mi reel thirsty....POSH !!!!!  Go on...lend me 3 quid !!!!!Just this once !!!!
   Bollocks to the do-gooders.....and bottoms up to the Flagon lifters of 'the Old Sidevalve Bar.

Sunday, 16 February 2014

Yorkshireshireshire is all awash ! Phuff - Nah, darn sarff stuff...

Greetings - Albert 'kingcrunchynuts' Crackleport here ! Ha ! Bet you thought I'd been washed away in the floods that have reaped havoc over the the low lands of Blighty...
Nah, Yorkshireshireshire my friends is an old roman settlement built on high hillocks.....
Safe for all eternity, one small step away from the Gods ! (Just in case we need spiritual help)
Floods are for southerners...

So, the rain it lashed and lashed....and as mentioned in my last blog entry I sent Posh out into the raging seas dressed only in her micro-gaunches to save the beer....
Successful ? oh yes, the beer survived and Posh will recover in time I'm told.

But, thats not the end...... the rains eventually stopped and the winds they did start.....Oh how they howled around 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' So strong was the draught it blew mi tilley out !


Damage was indeed inflicted on a major part of the building........
The Churchill Victory Glove is still saluting
The flag of the Empire is still raised
But, the pointing 'B' arrow the guides the way to Oilyracer HQ in Balen DC Belgium will no more give comfort and assurance to disciples who follow the long and winding road to Vintafake-mecca.
Broken it be !.....


Now what ?
Beer I guess, POSH ! Make mine a double.




Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Yorkshireshireshire is all awash !

Hear ye....hear ye mi old Vintafake-anti-techno-gabblers ......
Man the lifeboats! ...............the rain it hath been splishin and a splashin'
In fact since the last blog entry it's been none stop ......phuff!
So much so that all Yorkshireshireshireshire is up to bollock level with waarter!

Posh ! Save the beer !!!!!!   Then try swim for higher ground.......
I'll bale out the flagons !!!!!!



Credit- Above image of 'Posh' found on Le Container blogspot...
(amazing who gets where)


Sunday, 26 January 2014

Motorsickles...It's in the genes...

Albert C here....
 It's been raining.....and raining......and raining......Yep ! It does a lot of raining in Blighty ! Even more so up here in Yorkshireshireshire. Probably why most of the county is covered with reservoirs.
(Reservoir - Fancy us Brits adapting a french word into our language....anyway I guess one french word won't affect our stiff upper lip and control of the Empire and colonies, let's not make it a habit though)

The rain has stopped movement in 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' .....What's to do ? A bit of thinkin'
Thinkin' about how come I've got this natural need to motorsickle ......Could be generic!
So, it's in my genes....thank fu**. I'm crammed full of motorsickleness......feed into me from 8 or 9yrs old....
Hey !!!! I'm not complaining....In fact, it's the best way to be.....Rather that than being fed on a diet of digital 4G garbage.....living on the inside of the matrix is for losers !!!!!.


Late 1960's early 1970'.......here's how it went when it was raining at our house and I couldn't 'play out'.....Sketch books opened.... Pencils sharpened.... Dad and me would try out draw each other with brilliantly designed futuristic sickles....mine were pretty basic as you can imagine for a lad still wearing short trousers but here's one of Dad's I've kept.....Price tag was so far out of reach it was untrue, now it's like pocket money...
Shaft drive......3 or maybe even 4 cylinder radial layout...... big drum brakes......and a whopping £999.99 !


One day I should build it.....sketch to reality...

Posh !- If you pour me a flagon I'll check your etchings !






Sunday, 5 January 2014

The BSA B31 that time forgot. Part 13

Ding Dong........Ding Dong.......Albert Ting-a-ling Cracklebell here !!!!!!!
Yep! Got mi self a very rare and 'Genuine' BSA audible warning device......and I'm gonna use it on Lovely Maroon.

For all those with a bell fetish I've listed the full spec below.....
Boy it's impressive !
Full width 3" Dingle Donger.
Gold Star spec Westminster Chime mechanism.
Guaranteed 100mph performance.

Until I fit it on Lovely Maroon I think I will use it as a servant calling bell for Posh !!!!!!
Ding Dong.........Ding Dong.................
Ding Dong.........Ding Dong................
Ding Dong..................Bloody Hell !!!!!!!!!!!
It's not working !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
POSH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, 29 December 2013

The BSA B31 that time forgot. Part 12

Albert here......opening the portal to Vintafakeland......Step this way......
Only those who really believe the power of old skool will see the pathway.....
(Should you still be on the wrong side of your p.c. then maybe you have embraced too much tablet and G4 technology ? There's always hope.......cast aside those shackles of the modern world they will be the downfall of humanity......)

I'm glad you made it through the vintawormhole for I have a small update to report on 'Lovely Maroon' (the BSA B31 that time forgot.)
Thanks to my good friend Koen over in Belgium at Oilyracer H.Q. I am the proud owner of some unique waterslide transfers.....

These have been created to reflect Speed Hill Climbing success in the 1980's for J.H. Racing
(Full story is here on the superb Eat The Rich blog so I won't go through all that again just click the link)
I know the bike is 1950's and the transfers are 1980's but ain't that what vintafaking is ? A reflection of time passing and the visual stories.
So, using the skills I learned at 10yrs old attaching RAF roundels to Airfix 1/72 scale Spitfires I slid the precious transfer into position on the fuel holding vessel of Lovely Maroon !

Now ain't that reet darn gorgous ?

Posh.....pour me a flagon of that special brew.....
lets raise a jug (or 2) to times past....



Tuesday, 26 November 2013

The Empire ! The sacrifice....the linen bandages....and the holy scriptures of BSA wiring....

It is time ! The Crackleclock has struck the hour.............The bell tolls........BOING ! BOING ! BOING !
This is the moment.....Dah ! Dah ! Daaaah !
Bring forth the sacrificial Indian for it is written in the etchings of early shed dwellers that it is the duty of the pure and untouched to keep the old and knackered fully functioning for as long as possible.....

The specially selected Royal Enfield headlamp switch had arrived from it's motherland wrapped in swaddling. Once stripped naked and laid on the operating bench pre-op inspection could begin. Be warned - The surgical procedure is extremely complex, and of a micro-nanoscopic scale. Not to be undertaken by trainee Vintafakers or Polish sausage stuffers (no matter what experience they claim to have in handling small parts!!)
Luckily your Uncle Albert was well aware of the task that lay ahead. I would conduct the operation looking through the Hadron-Crackle-Collidor Magnificationiserscope.
At first glance the donor appeared to be of a similar breed to the Genuine Lucas (with optional large Knob)
Vital organs were prised away from the donor and transferred to the recipient. Progress was slow and methodical......The hours ticked by, day turned to night, days to weeks........(as you are well aware if you have been logging into the Vintafaker Blogcronical regularly) I 'Albert Crispy-Cracker would and could not give in...This was far too important a mission........I was help save 'Lovely Maroon'

One life donated - One life saved?
Hum ! Here's where the sacrifice to help Lucas (with the large knob) to once more light the road to freedom seems to have taken a sideways step....In fact maybe a small (teeny-weeny) step backways.

Houston, we have a problem....
The donor parts are not compatible....Over
Copy that Albert. You have a problem with your parts. Shall we send the Polish Sausage Stuffers? Over.

Assembled and ready for electrical current throughput testing it was evident that the switch had far more electrical terminals than Lovely Maroon could ever wish for. The holy scriptures of BSA wiring gave little clues, the ancient tongue of  'Haynes Manual' could not be deciphered either.
Only through the power of Google could the knowledge of BSA pilot, dip and main beam terminals be learnt

The Indian donation was in vain......hope where hope was not needed........ complication where simplicity was built in already.
Many thankies Mr Chawla for sending your best made Royal Enfield Headlamp Switch but it turned out Lovely Maroon is a dynamo model and doesn't need the extra springy thingies that your good friend Albert thought were lost. Nay, they were fit only to later alternator machines.....

Posh ! 
I need beer.....
and plenty of it!


Prognosis- It is evident that through analysis of variance ecological theories and hypotheses that Lucas replica switches are unusually complex because of natural variability in space and time. Additional multi replication throughout Asia over the last 60 years has changed the tolerance of build and thus there is no route back to 1950 for the present day Indian Royal Enfield Headlight Switch.....
Trapped in it's own time....forever 2013. Long may it remain so !!!!!!