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Tuesday, 24 June 2014

Working the white powder Part 4

How good was that ? Angelina stopping by to help Uncle Albert with a bit of his moulding! But a shame the paparazzi spotted a small speck or two of polyfilla on her chest.......

and then made such a big deal about it.
Anyways, luckily there's a secret back exit for quick escapes from' The Old Sidevalve Bar' so young Ang' had to make a run for it......dressed only in an old trench coat and despatch riders boots !
(Defiantly waving the V salute.....obviously meaning get 2 flagons of ale poured Posh....It's nearly bottoms up time
Despite the excitement my master tank badge blank turned out pretty neat. The next step was to be able to make several more identical ones for trial carving of the design.
"It's a good job you have contacts in the false teeth manufacturing business Albert"
"It certainly is" I replied, with a pearly white Donny Osmond style smile.....

Once again a goodly handful of tooth moulding rubber was prepared.
The 50/50 dollops were mixed quickly
and formed around the badge blank.

Same technique as they use in Melton Mowbray when making pies......which are obviously inferior to proper pork pies that are made in Yorkshireshireshire....Guiseley Growler, now there's a reet pie !
Oh, I've mentioned Guiseley Growlers before on this blog but hey why not again?
Here's where they are produced....(see the first floor window, left side)
Back to the mould- Maybe it looks more like a Bakewell Tart than a Melton Mowbary Pie....
or even has the makings of a Cornish Pasty (heaven forbid) 


I could stand it no longer, no way was I gonna mould quality tank badge blanks in a Cornish Pasty lookalike!
Flap disc in the grinder, whizz, whizz and it all looks Yorkshireshireshire quality again....
Like a wonderful Yorkshireshireshire Pudding


There ya go !
From dusty boobies to Guiseley Growlers to Yorkshireshireshire's finest puddings...
Vintafaking is one big adventure...Posh ! I'm waving two fingers at you !
IT MEANS 2 FLAGONS OF ALE PLEASE........ HONEST IT DOES MY DARLING DEAREST !!!!!
Now don't be grumpy......it's past beer time already, I've some suppin' ta do.....

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Working the white powder Part 3. Hollywood to The Old Sidevalve Bar

14th May 2014. Vintafake urgent bulletin.
Breaking news in the 'Showbiz Gossip' columns.
 Yahoo Celebrity Link here
What can I say ? It was brilliant the Angelina came over and helped me model the curvaceous tank badge in the shed over last weekend....But damn, the secret is out ! Now everyone knows that Angelina has had her hands on Alberts polyfilla and mixing stick.....Ah well, just goes to show the popularity of Vintafaking...

Angelina Jolie Has White Powder On Her Face As Arrives At The Normal Heart Premiere With Brad Pitt

Angelina Jolie headed down to the Normal Heart premiere last night in New York and suffered a pretty embarrassing wardrobe malfunction, she had white powder spread all over her face.
How could Ang NOT have seen the white powder over her jawline and forehead or why didn't someone tell her, before letting the 38 year-old step out in front of the cameras. Was Brad having a joke with her?
What's happened to Ang's face? (SplashNews)
The Maleficent star is usually pretty flawless when it comes to her red carpet appearances so we have NO idea what went wrong here. The powder was all over her face and on her chest as she emerged from her car.

Working the white powder. Part 2

I lived.....yes, it's still a secret.....sshhhhh !
Posh didn't suspect that the kitchen has been turned into a plaster casters fun house over the course of her short holiday.........
Nope....it's like it never happened......apart from a large block of polyfilla that now resides like a work of art in the lounge. (That's because it is !!!!)

But how was my Yorkshireshireshire pudding going to end up like Venus De Milo ???

Well I ain't called Albertelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Crackleporti  for nuffin'.....
No sir ! Massaging objects smooth is my speciality.. I've been doing it for years.....in fact since I was a teenager behind the bike sheds.........

Slowly...slowly.........a bit of rubbin' around the edges and we are beginning to see what's inside this eerr Yorkshireshireshire Pudding....


Fitting.... tickling..... refitting and a bit more tickling...maybe with a bit of old skool fettling when needed....
By eck....those old renaissance geezers knew a thing or two about smooth forms that's for sure.....
but I can do smooth too, now where's me feet gone?

Dah Daaa !!!  The polyfilla Yorkshireshireshire Pudding now displays all the qualities of a well polished piece of Italian marble. Smoothing out the rough is one thing.....but I'm now thinking my tank badges needs to have a few well placed contours..... More Sophia Lauren than Venus De Milo


Posh !!!! - Fill my largest flagon and let me reflect on this artistic conception,
or to quote Michelangelo - Bloody luvverly jubberly innit !


.

Saturday, 10 May 2014

Working the white powder

Hellooooo...Albert here.......
http://summer-wine.com/wesley/wesley_pic_2.jpg
Yep ! Look a lot like Wesley Pegden doun' I ?......Now't wrong wi a bit of oil on thee kecks...
Kecks ? Eeeeh bit o Yorkshireshireshire, (and thee don't wanna be going wi out any when it's cooold.)

Anyways old chaps, just like the spring buds.....my mojo has been showing signs of life....Awaken from a winters hibernating refreshed, and eager to forage for excitement...
So, here goes. Once again for your amusement and titillation I shall attempt to create art from shite...

Tank badges for the VBobber. I need some. It just wouldn't be right to stick some BSA ones on now would it...Particularly as the bike is a vastly superior brand......Yes, the tank is some old BSA Gold Star thingy...
Virtually worthless !!!!...So to increase value 10 fold  I shall make my own.
My chum Koen, a.k.a Oilyracer has the knowledge to cast aluminium, all I need to do is make a couple of patterns.

Can I make my patterns out of Polyfilla ? Only time will tell. Hold my hand as we journey on the rocky road to my tank badge destiny... Where it is ? who knows ?.....how long to get there ? who knows ?....who cares?

The fact that Posh is away for the weekend and I therefore have use of various equipment that wouldn't be normally at my disposal had nuffin' to do with my timing on this project.....As long as I clear up by Monday who's going to know ? Who's going to tell ? NOT ME !
First task, I carefully taped a 25mm deep cardboard case around the tank badge area. Quality jammin' cardboard from a Leroy Roots Jamaican cooking sauce kit seemed to work ok.... Bob Marley blasting out 'No woman No pride' really fired up the mojo rhythm........
A bit 'o grease down the thread hole and wiped around the bottom of my newly formed Kingston bun case and I was ready to pour the polyfilla.
By heck ! Looks like a thick yorkshireshireshire pudding....
Left overnight in a safe and warm place...The jammin cardboard casing was slowly peeled back....
And the first stage of casting the pattern is done.....phew! Amazing, (even if I do say so myself).
But.....according to the technical department at the Oilyracer Casting Co my plan to carve the Polyfilla will not succeed.....and worse still, it will take at least a month to dry!
I can (and will) speed the drying process with a kiln I just happen to have the use of this weekend.....
Gas Mark 1 or 80degree (if you have fan assisted electric)      

Whilst the kiln slowly reduces the liquid content of the Polyfilla casting.....
and with no Posh to pour mi ale I guess the next step is to get off my ass and find a flagon and bottle opener.

Stay tuned Vintafake bloggeroos, the next installment of Working the White Powder will be on your screens soon....

Albert - Over and Out !








Monday, 5 May 2014

Cleaning - The Vintafake Way

Greetings Vintafaker Readers.....It is I.....Albertorious Pist-as-a-newt-icus....Nah, only joking, I'm stone cold sobericus..
Boy O Boy, have I been busy today ? Yes, is the correct answer.
May Day Bank Holiday....(Thanks to the Queeeeeeeen....for granting this day of rest for us workhouse pleps...Silly Old bat more like!)
Anyways, didn't want to waste mi' day off.....so......
First jobicus was to get a brew on the bubble. Yep, It's not all about massaging metal into wonderfully useful objects down at The Old Sidevalve Bar....Oh no, some of the shed time has to be used to create alcohollic lovelyness from Malted Grain...
Make's you wonder who invented beer.......and how......well it does me.....Top guys whoever they were!
Possibly some Saxon peasant? ......or an Egyptian mummy stuffer 2000 years BC ? or maybe it was brought to the Aztecs by creatures from another dimension ?........
Who gives a fuc*  I've a full sack to go at, that should make me at least 250 pints.....
Malted in Yorkshireshireshireshire by the way, darn Castleford. (Never 'eard of Casleford, well ya won't have cos we keeping it all secret like)

Whilst the grain was mashing......and the sun was shining.......I was enthused........to do something really, really, really useful....
Tidy the garage !!!!!
I got all the old treasure out..............
Dusted the cobwebs off it all......swept up all the old leaves that had blown under the door...
Squirted every delicious wonderful preciousness with an oily paraffin mix...
and put it all back....exactly as it had been before I started...

And, I didn't throw away anything....not even one nut or bolt !!!!!
Nope, I love this stuff !

Posh ! Pour a flagon and let's slowly inspect each historic artifact....
Oh, and watch ya step, don't slip on the anointing oil !

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Zen and the Art of Vintafake Sustainability.

Hey dudes......I'm back !
Yes, Albert Pirsag Crackleport is still alive !!!!!! Bet you thought I'd fallen into the cider abyss of horizontalness ? No way..........I'm vertical, head at top, feet below.....correct orientation for a human being me thinks...
So, whats been happening ? I've been preparing long term. That's what life as a Vintafewker is all about....
Vintafewker ? Keyboatd malfunkchun !!!!
Vintafaker - A chap of jolly decency who looks after old shite until the kids of today realise they are making a big error by not caring for the treasure of yesteryear! (That's enough Albert old chap, don't be getting upset.) Wake up guys ! The old guys know what they are doing !!!!!!!!Look and learn !!!!!!
So, you've all heard of and read Pirsags 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance'
Pretty heavy going meaning of life stuff....
In fact I read it when I was in my teens and didn't understand a blinkin' word.
(BUT ! Robert M Pirsag (the author)did ride one of the best bikes in the world.....Oh yes ! A Honda CB72 !!! So he's forgiven....)


What's all this to do with the happenings at 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'

As I said, it's about life stuff.......preparation for the future.......Keeping the mojo vibrating.....and the flagons lubricated
I've started getting ready for the arrival of the Commer Comet.
It won't be for a while yet but just like Hayleys Comet it will arrive and astonish all who witness the spectacle...God help them !!!!!!!
Commer Comet - see Oilyracerblog

My preparations involve insuring there is enough fuel on route to enable the Comet to reach the Whiskey Distilleries in Bonnie Skirtland. This will be achieved by growing several harvests of Rape and refining the seeds into fuel oil. The first crop is now undergoing refining....Using beer brewing technology I should be able to reach a high enough octane to satisfy the needs of this highly tuned ex-marine powerplant.



Oh ! Before I go........here's a tip for any thirsty vintablogger......This high octane brew is for sale at our local 'offy' for less than 3 quid a bottle........7.5% phew.......BARGAIN !!.
Not only looks like do-gooders in Manchester are getting a bit steamed up but Posh did too and has banned me buying any more already!!!!!!!!!
There's tonnes of warnings about it on line....Why haven't I heard of it before !!!

A bottle of booze containing more alcohol than a person should drink in a WEEK is on sale in Manchester for just £3.29. The cost-per-unit, of 15p, is more than three times less than the 50p limit which doctors and health chiefs want to impose in Greater Manchester.  It comes amid warnings of a drink-related health time bomb facing the region "This means that people can buy almost six times the lower-risk daily limit for a man for less than £4. There is no doubt that this will have a health impact.
OVER THE LIMIT: The three-litre bottle of ‘Three Hammers’ cider contains more alcohol than men are warned is safe for them to drink in an entire week
    All this cider talk has got mi reel thirsty....POSH !!!!!  Go on...lend me 3 quid !!!!!Just this once !!!!
   Bollocks to the do-gooders.....and bottoms up to the Flagon lifters of 'the Old Sidevalve Bar.

Sunday, 16 February 2014

Yorkshireshireshire is all awash ! Phuff - Nah, darn sarff stuff...

Greetings - Albert 'kingcrunchynuts' Crackleport here ! Ha ! Bet you thought I'd been washed away in the floods that have reaped havoc over the the low lands of Blighty...
Nah, Yorkshireshireshire my friends is an old roman settlement built on high hillocks.....
Safe for all eternity, one small step away from the Gods ! (Just in case we need spiritual help)
Floods are for southerners...

So, the rain it lashed and lashed....and as mentioned in my last blog entry I sent Posh out into the raging seas dressed only in her micro-gaunches to save the beer....
Successful ? oh yes, the beer survived and Posh will recover in time I'm told.

But, thats not the end...... the rains eventually stopped and the winds they did start.....Oh how they howled around 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' So strong was the draught it blew mi tilley out !


Damage was indeed inflicted on a major part of the building........
The Churchill Victory Glove is still saluting
The flag of the Empire is still raised
But, the pointing 'B' arrow the guides the way to Oilyracer HQ in Balen DC Belgium will no more give comfort and assurance to disciples who follow the long and winding road to Vintafake-mecca.
Broken it be !.....


Now what ?
Beer I guess, POSH ! Make mine a double.