Fickle Finger of Fate

Abert here, calling all readers in Vintafake Land...

Just as I was about to call in the services of Basil K. Sputterpipe to do the honours with his chamois and duster I received a coded message from Berlin.......


It was the mistress herself - Ingerborg Heinkel - Lederfanatiker and M.Z. Fahrzeug Valeter.
Offering her services for free ! The fickle finger of fate had connected with the needy....


Now, a tough choice had to be made, do I go with Basil or do I go with Ingerborg ?
Basil - Skills honed to perfection in the use of Solvol Autosol.
Ingerborg - Travelling light but bringing her own sponge.

Heidi prefered Ingerborg........(they'd spent time together before during the dark nights of the cold war......and enjoyed each others company......)


How could I refuse.?
So, that's howcome there was much splashing and merriment down at 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' last weekend.


Invite Vintafake members ?.................you've gotta be kidding, this was a very private party....

Just Heidi, Ingerborg..........................and me !

No Problemo...

A Wednesday night quicky -

Albert reporting.................just a short, sharp bloggy....

After all Heidi's been through it wouldn't be reet to send her back to Mi' Lord wi an old elastic bungy holding her 6volt power supply in place.

Nah ! Something with a bit more pull, strapped down so no movement possible, held whatever the action.......just where ya want um......

Only a 'Crackleport Strap' will suffice. Cut from the remains of an old boiler (hey Albert, there's too many old boilers in this 'ere tale)

A firm strappington, no escape possible......Heidi loves it

Do you ?

I do ! It's a rare piece indeed.......A one off !

One more job before Heidi returns, I've called in a specialist !

Stay tuned...............Alb over and out

Final push

Greetings Vintafake fans - Oh yes it's that time again- Albert Crackleport here -
Same Vintafake time-Same Vintafake channel-

Albert?......what's been happening ya cunning old *astard.......

Crikey.........it's been a hive of activity inn't old sidevalve bar...trying to meet mi Lord Timberlakes deadline. He wanted her back...................to serve and obey............

Here's where Albert show'd what a whily old fox he is............cunning ?.........I'll say so....

Here's the tale -

Time was running out.............Heidi had to be returned to her master......late was not an option.....
Lord Timberlake expected................and Heidi had to be be available.........no excuses.
Sunday afternoon and your Old Uncle Albert was fitting Heidi's flue pipe. ! Easy enough ?
I'll be honest I didn;t expect her to put up such a fight...........then again ya' can't trust a Fraulein from't t'other side of't wall to give in easy na can ya'
So..........it was the screwing that took the time...............could I get the thread engaged ? would I be writing this sordid tale if I could ? Correct !!!!!
Nah....I couldn't get mi flange engaged in the orrifice.
Blimey O Riley, as they say in't county of Boycott.....
Now here's the interesting bit..........remember the night of the big moon ! How Albert had to venture down't dark garden path in't middle o' night looking for an exhaust gasket. (which he found may I add) Ever in danger of been jumped by on by vampires and choir boys..........

IT WAS ALL IN VAIN ! AAAAAHHHHH!

Could I ummers get afore mentioned gasket to assemble back as before...............Screwing 'n' screwing I was with no effect.
The fange wouldn't grip....................the orrifice was sloppy. Worn beyond redemption....
I deduced that the gasket had somehow become thickened for being exposed to the northern air.
Bollocks? maybe?
A new gasket of the correct dimensions would have to be be created and life could then continue.....................

I' Albert......thinker and bodger applied both disciplines in equal quantities and created a masterpiece.
A ring - Worthy of gracing any finger at a Royal Wedding ! ( a bit large maybe) but of Buck house quality...
('I'd say so chief')

Behold the Crackleport Exhaust Gasket Companies Heidi flange sealing ring-

Made by my fair hand out of brake pipe cunifer.............cost £0.00.

Will it seal ?

Only time will tell, but for now..........Heidi has a flue that looks the business. Pointing out backwards with purpose....stiff and straight.

Stay tuned Vintafakers 'cos the final push is about to 'appen

Alb

Greetings Vintafakers ! News update on Heidi. Poor Old Girl, not only had her front stopper worn away with excess right handed tuggin' and pullin' but her back stopper was all stiff and worn from big foot stamping. Now at the point of no return in the beautification of this Berlin Babe there was little to be done than do a 'Proper Job' on the aformentioned speed retarder.

Albert you're a lucky bast**d ! (sometimes) There I was in bad need of Heidi sizes shoes and what do I find on a certain internet auction site. Yes ! Shoes that have never felt the heat and friction applied by a size 11 wellie boot. How the donor M.Z. must have suffered to give up her almost brand new organs.........

Stoppers of quality, ripe and matured and destined for big time action. Well all in a good cause I say ! They won't be disappointed under the Timberlake boot.

Buy it now price £2.99 and £1.99p&p 5 quid all in ! Blimey Albert flash the cash....

My heart lifted, my whistle returned, I skipped and jumped with joy.....I sent my silver sovs' and waited for the postie to push M.Z. life giving goodness through my letterbox.

I didn't wait long. 2 days later I held a pair of stunners. Not a mark to be seen.

Don't they look lovely glinting in the evening sun ?

By eck ! I'll say so 'Chief'

Heidi, ya lookin' prettier by the day.

It is I ! Albert Crackleport once more tapping the keys that create digital messages. Virtually logging for infinity (and beyond) the tale of Heidi an Eastern Block 'lady' ( and I use that term loosely)

Follow me once more into the breach dear friend..............boldly forging through the grissle, grime, grease and grit.........in the hope (Nay ! In the knowledge) that one day Heidi will be as one............slightly scared but with a power stroke that will rip the unwary into shreds......

Forks on.......wheel in........one last job to bring her front bits up to scratch. Many years of up and down action between the hedges of rural Worcestershire with Lord Timberlake had caused friction to wear through Heidis outer sleeve. Yes, stiffness was creeping in after the lubrication had been washed away.

Crackleport Dodge No2 - Repair with 2 x layers of electrical heat shrink. Front brake cable back with the living ! Cost - £0.00.

It was with a glad heart that I turned my attention to Heidis rear. Whistling a happy tune as I removed the 'quick release' rear wheel.....then my lips were silent. (apart from the sharp intake of breath between clenched teeth..........)

My eyes bear witness to a sorrowful sight. Was this Groundhog day I asked myself ?

Remember the pityful front ? Behold for I bring you a more pityful rear....... !

Action plan ? A flagon of cider will ease the pain.