Heidi's Bottom

Albert here - Just surfaced from an intensive investigation. Phew !
Ze leetle Jurman was fighting back until ze end but ya Uncle Albert was victorious.

Cautious that the previous rough treatment of Heidi may have caused Brunhilde to set sail for Blighty with reinforcements I invited some back-up over to 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' for the final phase of 'Operation Smokey Silencer'

A Master in his chosen field.......and holder of the Royal Seal of Approval for Metal Polishing Basil K' Splutterpipe would defend the rear as I, Albert Crackleport attacked Heidi's Bottom. Not a pretty sight after years of neglect, but someone had to do it !

Tight screws with cheesy heads...........I've had this before, quick as a flash I reached for my trusty impact driver. Sourced many years ago from Auntie Wainwrights Tool Emporium it once again proved its worth. Three and a tanner well spent !

Lord of Timberlake had reported of grumbling main bearings and a suspect big end the last time he was astride Heidi giving her some beans.

I have examined that region closely my Lord. Fear not, with new balls she will be as good as any man could want. The big end luckily lives to tell the tale........

I shall order shiney balls next week.

In the meantime Heidi will be getting a good soak and scrubbing......No more dirty Heidi.

Jealous ? You will be.

Until the next time join me in a rendition of this famous Berlin drinking song-

Die Heimat-Jungen Kamen

Die Überwundenen Heimat-Jungen.

Wir sind die Heimat-Jungen von 'der Alten Sidevalve Bar'Segnen Sie 'Die Alte Sidevalve Bar' und alle, wer ihre bauchigen Weinflaschen innerhalb ihrer erheben..

Ya. Ya. Ya!

It will do 'er good !

Man ! Thrashing Heidi took plenty out of your old Uncle Albert. It took mi a few days to catch mi breath.......I'm not frightened to admit it, cause at my age I'll admit to most things....

But then I suppose thats what you keep a 'Bitch' for.......? Thrashin' n Ridin ' n Thrashin' some more.

Breathlessness is just a by-product of exerting ones body during a pleasing thrash.........(or 2)

Not sure my good Lord of Timberlake had the stomach for such brutal treatment, he reported on retiring to bed early with an ever stiffening toddy after hearing of the last episode !

(but then again he's a jolly good egg, and not from o'rt hill where 'wimin' 'r' treat differunt.

So, just to get the German Frauline knowing which side her bread is buttered your Uncle Albert has showered her with gifts. The last thing I need at this stage is word getting back to her mother 'Brunhilde of Zee Checkpoint Charlie Cafe'

Above - A holiday snap of Brunhilde (also known as the old trout) last year at Mablethorpe

The gifts ? Aaaah Haaaa !

None other than a lovely shiny cotter pin, a wonderful springy set of points, a puller so I could extract the basket of ze clutch without pain, and best of all a huge slug of alloy complete with 3 rings. Manufactured not far away from Heidis home town but over the border in the small Polish town of Zgorzelec......

Luxury is - A handmade polish piston made from melted down Wartburg gearboxes by none other than a certain 'Polska Surowa' who owns the only M.Z. piston making mangle in existance.

Now Heidi has one ! Joy ! It's onwards and upwards from here !

Whats Heidi Hiding ?

Never trust a secretive German ! Not one old enough to remember the war ! ssshhhhh ! Dont mention THE WAR !

Whats her game ! There's me...all kind and caring, going through the proper techniques .......what do you get ? NUFFIN !' Not a stir !

Further investigation necessary to gain knowledge of seizure problem. I 'aint taking no for an answer.

Albert is preparing to go in.........I may be some time...................

Off with her head, and it's all clear. The barrel goes up and down as the crank goes round and round....Not quite what was intended but at least we can be thankful that the precious big end is intact. Care to look down her passage from above ? Not a pretty sight so not for the fainthearted.

A view up t'other passage. It's been a while since this little German saw any action.

Stuck half way ! Gentle persuation not working !

Time to get HOT ! Followed be a session of hard banging...(whoops shouldn't have let Lord Timberlake know about the rough treatment that can sometimes be inflicted in 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' but we Yorkshire lads have found it's the only way to get a result)

When we say hot in't North we mean HOT ! And the banging ? Hell it went on nearly all afternoon.....cold outside but sweatin' in't shed. Think it's a throwback to t' Industrial Revolution when us lads up on't hills were forever stoking big old boilers to get a head of steam..........

Anyways as I say......it gets results. Heidi eventually loosen up and released the blockage....

Thats worn me out. Time for a beer.
Albert over and out

'The Timberlake MZ'

Albert here -
Doesn't matter from what angle you cast your eye she pleases !
And ! she's staying at my place and I'm free to do whatever it takes to get her firing on the button.

But, It's difficult communication with Germans. Mostly !

But we do know her name is Heidi.

No amount of rocking to and fro, jumping on the starting device, beating with a big stick seemed to have an effect.

Sulky Heidi ! Naughty Heidi !

That can mean only one thing........ A FULL STRIP !
Undo a few fasteners (Hey Heidi are you sure this is the first time they've been undone ?) and prepare for a full examination.

Safely in 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' away from the view of the neighbours business can commence.

What is Heidi hiding ?

Stay tuned dear reader, for I, Albert Crackleport am preparing to risk life and limb to further the interest of Anglo/Deutch relations.

Es won't be lange bevor sie rauchen wieder meine Liebe Heidi !

The Tale of - 'The Timberlake MZ'

Albert here - Back in 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' - A small part of the universe but a very very important one...........You remember ?
'The Old Sidevalve Bar' - A magical place.............A place where 'Reet Grand Onions' give themselves freely unto the underground Pickling Vats, once bathed in the secret elixir they're forever a Picklington..................Fit and ready to grace a Jacobs Cracker along with a goodly wedge of Wensleydale !
'The Old Sidevalve Bar' -A magical place................A place where old beer tankards never run dry..........................A none stop brewing fountain pumps ale from deep below the earths crust for the 'Invited' to enjoy.....
'The Old Sidevalve Bar' - A magical place................Where old motorcycle engines.......Cast aside by their owners are given the kiss of life...................scrubbed up, fed with fresh oil and secretly placed back into society to faithfully serve their master once more.......................

I, Albert Crackleport am once more venturing into the unknown..........................for I have had the call from a good friend of mine that I can not ignore.......................
A man who is faithful to his cause..................A man almost lost to Ducatiitus..........saved in the nick of time from that dreadful disease by a small but perfectly formed East German. How they rode together ! As one ! Enjoying each others company for many years..............But, the little East German became ill..........she could hardly move and was confined to home.................
How my friend pinned for her to be spritely again...........................to once more experience the joy of riding hard under the hot summer sun..................
A sad tale that needs a happy ending..........................
My Lord of Timberlake I can not allow your days to be sorrowful, I shall transport your much loved East German to 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' where the magic will enter her soul and new life will spring........

Stay tuned - for the next exciting instalment.
Cider time......see ya all later. Alb