Albert Crackleport reporting on life down at 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'..........Known to many as the last watering post before the frozen north............known to a select few as the place a Yorkshire fire bucket fought magnificently against the Wild men of Worcestershire.......
Fear not, all is not lost, the vibes from the fallen bucket inspire all who stand on this hallowed ground ........... the struggle was not in vain.

'I feel the power !' Running up my riggers......through my boiler suit.....and into my woolly hat...!

Goggles down, 5" disc fitted, fire up the grinder there is work to be done....

Like thunderbolts fired from the fingertips of Zeus the spinning grinding disc destroys the evil and leaves the good........... There was much evil around the Virago diff, a flange so embracing only the chosen one would dare cut into it for fear of releasing Pandoras secrets...

Get a grip ! Your Uncle Albert knows that inside the all enveloping mass will be a diff of much slenderness, a jewel to please the eye waiting to be released.

Little did 'I' Albertchippbuttius know how long this would take.....Like Michelangelo when he paper and painted the sistine chapel this would be a labour of love.......and a demonstration of the Vintafakers art.
Months have rolled almost into years........spring has turned to summer and then autumn and winter........the hops have flowered and the young shoots of barley have grown and been harvested and malted, I have fermented and drunk the elikior........yet the Virago diff still was needed attention..
Grinding, Sawing, Filing, Dremeling, Emery clothing.......this metal mass was gradually shrinking. (I knew this for it was getting increasing difficult to wade through the metal shavings) But I could not leave my post, not when I thought glory was soon becoming.

My body cried enough.....but my mind overcame the pain.......for I was fuelled by the food of the gods.
Serving wenches brought Guiseley Growlers to my workbench at regular intervals...... (for these meaty beauties are known to have medicinal compounds)...........it was a life or death situation.......could the warm gelatine revive my dry clacker.....and replenish my shrinking waistline ?

Yes ! Is the answer for I am here aint I ? Still of sound mind ?

Almost there,

Vuala ! I bring before your royal worthynesses the fruits of my labours....... Before and after......... Fat or Thin ? Sack of Spuds or Belle of the Ball?
You decide, it's time for a much deserved Porter.
Albert over and out.

Greetings fellow Vintafakers. The tale of Uncle Biffy seemed to cause quite a stir on my last blog entry, especially among the 'Lancashire Blue Rinse Brigade' not because he is such a handsome dashing fellow but because he is remembered for his part in a scandalous love triangle that shook the very foundations of Velodrome racing in the 1920's.... !
Here's the story......or what can be re-told without causing even more gossip under the driers down at Hildas Perm & Upper Lip Wax Salon.
It turns out Biffy and Toffy were not only racing for the honour of Blighty. Nay and trice nay dear reader, My Uncle Biffy was also racing for the hand (and most other body parts) of a fair young maiden. The elegible daugther of Sir Clarence Cobblehard. Uncle Biffy's rival was none other than a young earl by the name of Tommy Timberlake.
No one knew for sure what really happened as Uncle Biffy and Tommy raced head to head through the night on their route between Paris and Blackpool......shoulder to shoulder for mile upon mile........ Toffy acting as lookout (because he had a bicycle lamp) faithfully protecting Uncle Biffy from danger......
The cacophony of sound from the huge Anzani engines was enough to wake the dead !
But then.................there was silence......... maybe Tommy took a wrong turning......maybe his drive belt snapped..................maybe he suffered a high speed blow out................or his spark plug sooted....
Three went in...................................two came out..........................One missing in action somewhere in Worcestershire..............
All we know is Uncle Biffy won and then wed his prize.........The young Miss Cobblehard........(better known as Aunt Nellie........ famous for her Can-Can dancing on Friday nights at Fanny's Ale House)

Tommy Timberlake - Last seen in deepest Worcestershireshireshire.

Biffy the Brave

Greetings Vintafaker fans. (And there are many scattered around this planet we call earth, hiding out in coal bunkers and garden sheds ready to raise a Beet shovel in anger for Vintaland when need be.)
I found an old picture of my Uncle 'Biffy Boshkicker' and thought I ought to share it with ya all.
Here he is after the epic race between the hotdog stand below Le Tour Eiffel and the rock shop under Blackpool Tower during the summer of 1925.

Above - Uncle Biffy. Methanol fuelled J.A.P 1350cc
Below - Team mate Toffy Ticklewhiskers. Distilled Salgam fuelled Zenith Aero 1250cc

Join me in raising a flagon to Biffy and Toffy.
Pioneers of deering-do and champions of the big leather drive strap.

Linkert chapter 2

Greetings all you Vintafakers who are hungry for the next episode of Operation Linkert. For all those who have stumpled upon these jottings by mistake............FEAR NOT ! You have contacted via electronic filters the world of the almost legendary Albert Crackleport. If ever the written world was to be believed, then it is here on this page that it will be so...........I believe 'o wise one' for you speaketh through the Googlemicrophone..........Oh master, we bow before the Underground Pickling Vats and ask for enlightenment!....

Right back to business. Let Operation Linkert commence once again.
Day 2 - Your Uncle Albert (showing much wiseness or foolishness...only time will tell) had decided to use 'silver solder' on the boiler fitting mainfolds. Hoping for additional strength and heat resistance. Grade of Silver Solder unknown...............(let me tell you this though...it is blooming 'ard.)
This is where the bed leg comes in......lucky I still had one cause the other 3 were burned in the 'Holy Fire Bucket Pyre' during the L.B.P. send off celebrations....

I wanted to face the mainfolds up after the extreme temperatures thay had endured during soldering. There didn't seem to be a suitable clamping point for this operation so my plan was to support them on a custom made boss.
Heres where the bed leg comes in. Step 1 - Turn leg until fits internal of manifold.

Centre manifold and drill small indentation for centre support

Using thin tool, I chose parting off tool (arrowed red) face both sides of Linkert replica

Dah Daah ! Smart as 'owt

Just so ya get a flavour of where the trouser sucking Amals will be......

Blimey have I not only applied my supergigabyte brain to further the development of my own superior motorised chariot but also the human race. Phew, thats heavy man.....

It is late. The witching hour is upon us. The gouls do howl on the wild moors. Oooooaaaaahhhh
It is time for me to go to my rejuvenating pod. Surely Vintafakers you can not deny me the sweet touch of pewter against my scourched lips.....a refreshing pint (or 2) of live giving porter ale that will lubricate my breathing passage and a Jacob or 2 thickly covered with Wensleydale for good measure.
I will be a better man for it ! Ready for action at a minutes notice.....
For now though I'm over and out ! tata

Operation Linkert

Geetings all you wonderful Vintafakers. It is me, Albertoise Crackleoutloadicoise.
Right then, tonights little appendage is a very serious one. Full of tech tips and cost cutting ideas.
I will attempt before your very eyes to create a replica Harley Davidson 1945 Panhead Linkert manifold for an amazing £2.50.................................per pair that is !!!!!!
Boy will they look good on the VBobber....
Here's the original - Price $125 !! (Looks like an old gas fitting to me!)

Well for those who have just joined us and probably the remainder of you's who have a memory problem I had already cut the brass manifold flanges......(it's all in the blog....back a few pages....)
Ordering two brass boiler fittings of the correct bore wasn't very difficult. (Well, it was really cause I'm not that familiar with pipe thread sizes.....lets say the frst set would have fit an tractor)
Anyway's
Flame on - time to solder.......

Soon I had 2 -
Vuala - Lovely brass manifolds. What did I tell you.
The wooden bed leg ? Aaahhhh that is needed in the second part of Operation Linkert

For now, that's all I'm tellin ya's
My fine flagon is full with refreshment. Duty calls.

Saturday night in Blighty - It's not that exciting ! Believe me !
No, us real men are out in our sheds whilst the chicks watch 'Strictly' !
I ask you...................whats the world coming to..............

So after downing a couple of flagons of the old apple goodness and quoffing a decent curry..........All of a sudden Blighty is where it's at !!!!

Right then Vintafakers, here's where were we with the rear of the Virago 'Lovecycle'...
Oh, damn, didn't mean to give the game away that I am creating a chariot of such pulling power that it would destroy even Bobby Charltons 'comb over'....
Swoon now ladies -(Phew, If the reborn Virago is half as good as that haircut I'll eat my underpants !.....)

Ahh, I remember, I wasn't a happy chappy, No !.
The rear end was large......way too outward sticking. (Albert likes small rears)
Only one thing to do. Yep you guessed it. GRINDER !
I'm gonna chop 4" off .........It took some thinking I'll tell you now, cause once chopped it's difficult to re-attach. In fact I thought all morning, but in the end I knew I had a duty......The Queen expected it from her subject...

Take a long look, it's the last you'll see of the 4" extention...

Begone with ya !
Now that's pretty -
Stick the good bits back together - Don't know what all the fuss was about...
There ya have it Vintafakers, The wheelbase of the chosen one is now an acceptable length. In fact it's just the size I wanted it...
AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.
A major stepping stone to creating the new rear frame done.....blimey that was stress.

I'll leave ya with this thought - cue -comb and paper and rasp loudly -The Dambusters theme.

Never in the field of beer flagons has so many been drunk by so few

'V' for VBobber

Not far from base......there is a

Many miles will the messages of Albertsnagglepuss travel. Once I push the gogogo button on my typing machine the pixels fire out of my p.c. at an alarming rate. Some say at least 3 every earth minute. Phew ! Can you imagine where they may land ?.....Galaxies away......down worm holes....
It came as some suprise then, that I hear some of my jottings have fallen not far from their launch site.
In a place where oral cavities, salivary glands and aepithelial tissues are prodded, stabbed with huge needles and brushed mercilessly with TePe Interdentals... It is an honour to know that you are receiving me loud and clear....(between brightening smiles and removing old ivory..).
But girls - cast aside your mouthwash for I have flagons of ale a plenty.........purge the antimicrobial handwash from your skin with old sump oil..........................Spend your weekends dressed in boilersuit and riggers................and live the life of a true Vintafaker.........(it aint done me any 'arm')

Until then.............it's testing night on the latest batch of London Porter so I'm gone for now.....
Duty calls.........

Trust me - for I am the one and only Alberticus

Utterly amazing......................The malty juices of the Russian Stout soon soaked into my inner being...........through my veins it gushed.................By the secret power of Greyskull there could be no going back now............

My grinder was now my rapier.....................Touche Away !!! There was much work to do this day

The remains of the striken Virago were lifted from the cutting and grinding slab and brought out into the sunlight.........other strange body parts were attached so that the full extent of the forthcoming surgery could be assessed..................

Cue - Bolt of lightning hitting the bell tower of 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'...... Crack ! Aaaooowww!

Do not be afraid people of no imagination...........you simple village folk that dresseth in potato sacks should trust me..........
For I am creating a living being with soul..............that will have the strength of 40 bullocks and travel like the wind.

BEHOLD ! Do I not speaketh the truth ! Feast thee eyeballs on the chosen one...


Prepare for a miracle, for when the sun it doth set over the chicken coop and my days work is done, you too will see the foundation of my vision.

Hey ! Fill my flagon you buxom wench.......and make sure it's ya best ale !

Deep in the Rhubarb Triangle -

The written word doth travel through the electronic gateway of Interneticus Websiticus.....for news on the goodness that is being worked secretly under lamp light in the cellars of 'Thee Olde Sidevalvee Barrr' hath reached a certain stalwart of the Brasso Sniffers and Pewter Rubbers Guild. Yes, non other than Master of the Shiney Flagon Basil K. Splutterpipe fromth overt hill in Eccleshilleshire has sponsored me for a week by providing much refreshing sustenance in the form of Black Sheep Breweries 'Russian Stout'. It is a brew that maketh the man. Yes, 8.5% A.B.V. is just the juice to revive the eyes that do stingeth from the pungent fumes of burnt Walrus lamp oil sourced locally from the tramps that hunt for blubber on Rawdon Billing. (or could I have unwittingly bought a batch of Salvation Army Foot Barm instead ? )

Thank you B.K. I shall grind deep into the night.........stay tuned old chap for the next instalment.
Same Vintaside same Vintatime.....

Night-Night Vintafakers.........and Sleep Tight..............Alb

Tempus it et tamquam mobilis aura volat

Do not fear my fellow Vintafakers, for I know the path to Viragorighteousness, it is a long and arduous journey. I am prepared....For 'I' Albertobrutusius Cracklegladiatorius will willingly suffer hell and damnation before giving my soul to the evil one they call 'motorcycle customisation'.
Hear this.....for I have seen the signs through the purifying flames of the fire bucket..........The cutting and casting into the wilderness of the offending rear subframe will help free all our souls and release inner energies so strong that time will stand still..............the beer pump will forever expel the elixir of life............and the sun will shine its rays over 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' for all eternity as a beacon of hope for those that may loose their way..............

Yes, let the evil trolls take back what is theirs.....................it offends me.........I am done with it..........be gone subframe................................your days on planet earth haveth endeth...

Tomorrow may be a new dawn..........
but there's still time for a flagon or two of cleansing water tonight...........join me as I raise my pewter vessel in defiance...

Days like this....

Chums, flagon tilters, fire bucket bottom drillers and anyone else who knows me..............It is 'I'................Oh yes......me...........Albertosonicos Crackleportonimus..........
Professional Vintafaker and part time leather pantiloon tickler............reporting for duty on the old www.blogger.com. Sir !
What's been happen down in Old Sidevalver State County ? Let me tell you old beans, its been the land of dreams becoming reality, the wish list of life giving birth...............................and my old angle grinder cutting the hell out of a Japanese Yin Dynasty (殷代; pinyin: yīn dài) mechanical relic.
As the rains fell, and the moorland mist swept down through the Valley of Desolation your Old Uncle Albert one more pursued his goal along the path of righteousness..........How could one man carry such a burden ?........All those lost souls of Yamahaland.....reaching out for help into Yorkshireshireshire, their last hope before falling into the abis named Hell Fire Virago......
It's ok....No worries......I'll save ya, I yam what I yam and I yam what I yam that I yam, cos I eats mi spinach...
Hurry! there's no time to waste.
Fit new cutting disc, drop goggles, deep breath, I'm's goin' in.....
Do not fear, I have a plan to follow. Worked out in my semi-consiousness after a couple of 'Falling downs'. Yes, cider magically refreshes the grey matter whilst the rest of the body sleeps soundly.....(How good is that ?) The more ya drinks the more intelligent ya gets.

Take a last look. The end of an era.

Rear engine mounts no longer capable of supporting aforementioned engine due to yours truly having altered angle of dangle up front....Only one thing to do......Cut ! Cut ! Cut !

Whizz..........whizz..........whoooooosh.......whoooooooshhhhh
All done, that didn't hurt did it.......that awful carbuncle has now been removed forever !
No tears, only cheers ! As I lift a flagon in celebration.

FOR SALE.....Virago Jigsaw

Big lumps.........

Alberto here ! Back a grindin' after last weekend when many flagons of Indian Pale Ale passed my lips....................a pleasant experience I may add...........but not conducive to creating flying machines for the comman man.............
So, I thought I better make ammends for my lack of metallic reduction by playing a 'Top Trumps' card and producing from up my sleeve a Grinder Ace .....
The Virago handlebar bracketry......What a montrosity.........an alloy lump of gigantic uglynessnessnessy......I can stands it na more Booboo.........
Attach cutting disc old chap..........lets get in there.............there's work to be done.
Handlebar clamps ? Nah, dustbin.....


The work was hard.............The more your Old Uncle Alberto grinded (ground?) the more his goggles steamed up.............the more his vision was reduced.................for the sweat it did pour from his brow.................and the mist it did blur his eyes....................

Holy Moly........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What have you done Alb?

Whoops......It brings back into my memory an old Blighty saying that was passed on to me by my hometown Candy Floss Maker...........(for he was wise, despite loosing a finger in the floss flicker)

Ya don't know difference between scratching ya arse and tearing big lumps oot !

He may be right..............My yolk is a bit see thro' ...................but I like it like that !

There's no going back now..........

Greetings Vintafaker fans - It is 'I' Albert Crackleport, Yorkshireman and innkeeper.......
Phew, this last weekend has been very, very 'heavy'.....................with flagon lifting.
I'm not complaining mind, for royalty has visited The Old Sidevalve Bar'
The smallest (but busiest) beer providing establishment in Blighty has had the pleasurement of 'S'erving..................with a capital S..................the one and only LORD TIMBERLAKE and equally famous Worcestershire Wild Man....
Quick tug of forelock.....for I was in the company of legends...............
(ask Heidi................!!!!!!!!!!!)
Indeed, such a momentous occasion could not go unmarked.
Vintafakers - I knew the time was right......What better timing.................
I proclaimed that for a brief period I would unveil 'The National Spring Collection'.
And so it was, that the lid was opened and the chosen ones saw the fullness of the coils. I must add that no women were allowed to glimpse the jewels, far too dangerous....... this was indeed a glorious male only moment that will be remembered forever by those who were lucky enough to witness..............

The hours passed and darkness decended upon The Old Sidevalve Bar, the beer pump was connected to a mashing of I.P.A. and much filling and draining of drinking vessels took place well into the night...................................
But the cool Yorkshire night air was too much for the Worcestershire men............
A fire bucket was brought before Lord Timberlake...............and lit with the aid of vast quantities of bar-b-que fluid..........
But..........the kindling was damp................much smoke but no fire.........
But...........His Lordship had a plan...............bring me a drill.................for I will ventilate the Crackleport Fire Bucket and bring much warmth to you all.........
And.............So it came to pass, that the Crackleport bucket is now a leaky bucket....................

Legendary......................but leaky.....................may it rest in peace.

I loved that bucket.............!

The Vintafiler !

Albert here-Welcome Vintafaker fans to the wonderful world of metal filing. A useful and rewarding pastime. For very little outlay you too can join the 'Guild of Fine Filing Fellows'. Yes, buy a file, push/pull it back and forth across a huge block of metal and be amazed at the shapes awaiting to be reveiled.

So, with my file hot and ready for action I once more entered 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'. I was not disappointed, for there was metal in abundance. All waiting for the attention of my trusty rasp.
First job - Finish the second front engine mount. Far more useful if you have a pair, which I now have. Behold - Feast your eyes on these motor hangers - (Not sure yet....might drill a few holes in them, just to add to the old skool ambiance that is still drifting from the back brake plate.) Welding required next.

Second job - Start the inlet manifolds. I like brass inlets, so that's what I'm making.
Step 1 - Turn out middle to correct size using appropriate tool. (A Lathe may be useful here)
Step 2 - Hacksaw basic outer shape following super accurate cardboard template .

Step3 - Take a file and ..........yes, you've guessed it...........more filing.

Today though - 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' is closed to filers. It's brew day.........Very Very Important visitors are attending in a few weeks.
Keep checking in for the latest news.............................must dash it's time to add the aroma hops...

The party season is over for the time being at 'The Old Sidevalve Bar.
L.B.P. has gone home..... The place has been drunk dry ! (Nothin' wrong with that ! maybe !)
Life has returned to normal...
On the plus side - Now the beer has gone I can once more enter The Old Sidevalve Bar, stand next to the Virago VBobber and ponder ! Yes, I remember. I was on a mission to save Viragoperson from V-twin blandness.............I have much work to do ! Whilst I drank and danced to old irish jigs around a burning Queen Anne leg those poor devils continued to suffer. FEAR NOT ! Albert has returned !
But be warned - 'The Ammendment' of a Virago is not easy, or likely to be quick.
It takes time......Many moons have waned, many flagons have run dry, and many Jacobs have crunched with a wensleydale wedge since I started my task, but I promise it will happen....
So, today I have been mainly filing .........with the occasional drilling and sawing. The Old Sidevalve Bar was like a steam oven as my arms thrust backwards and forwards ever so slowly reducing another Yamaha silk purse into a Crackleport Sows Ear.
Lastly the chrome was 'Vinafaked' with a bit of wet 'n' dry'. Unless I'm mistaken the rear brake plate has been suitably corrected. -

And best bit about today ? - As I swept up the debris I spotted lurking under the bench, long forgotten, covered with the odd cobweb or two a bottle of Falling Down Cider...!!!!
Reward indeed.

Help me help me Oh no no... no Yeah Purple haze all in my eyes Don't know if it's day or night

Phew - It's been a heavy couple of weeks for your Old Uncle Albert. (Mainly due to the volume of lubrication)
But.............Duty called and LBP had to be pointed towards home. It was time to say our goodbyes.
Wish bon-voyage, thanks for the memories, till we meet again somewhere somehow.............

Not without an Old Sidevalve farewell though...........but crikey me, that was some do ! I'm only just pulling myself together............

Special fitment - FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY - by special arrangement
Hand pulled 'Falling Down Cider'
Plus - A fire bucket

Cheers to The Queen Anne leg. Hip - Hop - Hurray

Pulling 'Falling Down' deep into the night................

Smoke free zone !


The End

A Grand Day Owt. Part2

Are you sitting comfortably. Then I shall begin.....where was I ? Ah yes,

Destination - Brew Pub. Litton. Sounds harmless enough, what could possibly go wrong ? Gulp, sharp intake of breath.................

Well, It took all of 5 minutes on entering before Fifi and The Baroness were zipping up their jackets, and ready for the off.............in fact it was less than that................one look at the bar menu was enough.

£7.00 for a tuna mayo on a couple of slices of Warburtons................thats what did it..........It's not Bettys (of Harrogate) you know !!!!

Dick Turpin is alive and still robbing travellers in Littondale..STAND AND DELIVER...

Oh.........The Baroness mentioned something about a plague of flies living on the ceiling !

Fire up the Pems Basil ! We are on the move (again)...

That's how come 'I' Albertmostos Crackleporttortoiseness came to experience a small part of the Dales that has been unchanged for many decades..........

Introducing - The Falcon Inn at Arncliffe.

Where ale is drawn from the barrel and served by the jug. (Just like in Grandads day)

Choice of beers -Timothy Taylors, Timothy Taylors or Timothy Taylors.

Choice of bar meals - Ham sandwich, cheese sandwich or pie n peas.

Guess I'll be having the pie n peas then wi loads of fresh mint sauce......(healthy option)
Where it doesn't pay to be a wabbit when theres a hunting party of Beagles coming thru'.

L.B.P and Shiney No3 award The Falcon a Pembleton Star. (Better than any Michelin Star !)

2 happy Pembletons wind their way over the moors on the homeward run

All's well that ends well..........