The BSA B31 that time forgot. Part 3

Sometimes saving the planet has got to be postponed.....Yep ! A week or two of Uncle Albert doing his own fing ain't gonna make no difference to the big picture of humanity........
So, let's keep the mojo juicing and see what can be done with 'Lovely Maroons' fuel tank....
It was pretty bollock'sed before it came my way, Another 35 years without paint doesn't seem to have added to the distress.

Treatment with a whirley wire wheel will expose the extent of the task ahead...........but I think a few tin worms have been nibbling while my back has been turned.


Oh, did I tell you it's been training day at 'The Old Sidevalve Bar'
A new flagoneer has been undergoing test......Phuff.............chuffin useless......

Don't worry......it's only that German mouthwash Heineken stuff !

Posh! Get a tight grip, don,t want any drops of mine to be wasted !
and stay tuned for more on the saga of Lovely Maroon......it's gonna happen.....it's just a question of when.

Joanna and me !

I'm interrupting the theme...........it's a public broadcast of super-duppa importance......
Theme ??? Is there one..........Oh yes. It was mainly sickles of manly quality with a bit of eduction for class 4.

That's why you guys keep logging in......it's one small mouse click for man one giant mousey clickety-click for mankind.
We all have a duty to save the world......... 
What are you doing !!!!!!!!
Hand's up those dudes that have taken on board the need to rid the free world of mobile phones...????
My hand is up ! Best of all I have found another 'human' on my side...None other than the Avengers Secret Agent Purdey ! Boy oh boy.......it;s me and Purdey....Blighty MI5  undercover(s)

Tell you what - let's keep it like that....just the  two of us.....Honda TL125 all saddled and throttled up, ready to ride.

Anyways here's what the lady has just said that hit the news headline today....
This week Purdey continued her long-term bid to steer the young women of Britain onto the right track, as she sees it, by giving a speech at a £30,000-a-year girls school in Gloucestershire. She told the girls "Don't be a servant to your phone. If all you are doing is reacting to calls then you never develop. You need to have time to be free and for your heads to be free to think."
I rest my case.......

Hey ya saucy undercover chick, put ya Walther PPK 7.65mm back in the warming holster and pour me a flagon of ya special brew.................I want to be shaken not stirred...
(Lucky Walther!)
 

So, you've downloaded your Vintafaker app.........and activated it......like magic is this stuff...
More like Ali Bongos circus !!!!
BoNG ! and DoUBLE BoNGO ! Hold on to ya G4 thingywiggle because here's where the ride takes a trip on the wild side.......Nah, just joking........
Not only has your's truly Albert got to contend with living in the real world but I've got to venture into the Matrix and perform life saving magic tooooooo !  Phufff, Sometimes saving the World Order of Virago Badasses gets just a little bit too much for a Vintafake Superhero.
Anyways if you see either of these chaps on your travels don't trust them.....
One is the real Ali Bongo and one an imposter....

One is an actor and one has been a clown all his life................
The real magician is neither of these 2 jokers............Nay......
I'm the REAL MAGICIAN...Alberto Bongo Crackleporto will one again raise the bar and perform magic ....for one night only appearing live at the Lyceum Ballroom. I will attempt the impossibleness and resurrect from a 30 year slumber the B31 fuel tank.......Dah Dah Daaah !
(For those not familiar with this famous landmark, the Lyceum Ballroom was and still is a stones throw from the curry capital of the universe. Bradfordi-Gujarati)  In fact I'm sure my chum Basil K used to attend tea dances there when he was Lasterdyke Tango Champion 1967...

To aid me in my deathe deefying stunt I will need a 2 gallon bucket full of zinc plating solution.....
Haha you say,.......now that's why there is no vinegar in Yorkshireshireshire for chips.....Alberto Bongo has it all....(Of course you remember the accumulation of vinegar from a previous Vintafaker bloggy a few beers ago) See how the solution refelcts (what's up with this keyBOARD..It keeps speliling stuff wrong?)
Optical Vinegar ! Amazing......I of course are shielded from the glare thanks to my perefctly formed lightweight waist size....

Stay tuned......we shall start the miracle shortly....
Until then, all that talk of dancing has got my feet shuffling.......my hip pulsating......and my quiff all stiff..
Hey Posh ya saucy jive bunny...Let's rock n roll...

but be careful........all that twisting might knock mi beer over !

Free Gift with this issue

Greetings Vintafake Peeps ! A.C. here.....on line for your enjoyment and inner well-being. Yes, a clean and uncluttered mind gives space for the creative juices to boil......building steam to drive the thought pistons.....
Thoughts are free.............no tax to pay................go on let your brain think for a short time.....
While it's building some hot vapours let me tell you about the free gift I'm giving away...........Yes! more free stuff !
It's a Q.R. Code. Mmmmm nice......download it......print it..........scan it.........and then you can activate it at any and every opportunity..........at the bus stop, whilst someone is talking to you (because thats really cool and bad manners) or even sat on the 'throne'

Let's lift our flagons to modern technology. Hip Hip Hurray
The Vintafaker Q.R. Code is amongst us ! 
There's no going back now Posh !
So I'll have a double !!!!.

The BSA B31 that time forgot - Part 2

Keanu C. here peeps. No lectures tonight on the future of humanity, just a delightful medley of shots when the forgotten B31 came out into the sunlight for the first time in over quarter of a century.
I'll lay my cards on the table............it came out because I was planning on selling the old girl.
Offered for a song to a secret contact in Belgium.........he didn't buy. Now one of us made a mistake....was it him for not flashing the Euro or me for not finalising the deal and cutting the asking price?
Hey, my bloggychums only time will tell.

Da da daaaa ! 1956 British Small Arms in no particular order.

So, there it is. The transformation of some of the parts into primer was also done in 1979. These were then wrapped in newspaper and stored in plastic bags. The paint looks as good today as it did then......
Blimey, that wuz when paint was real paint - before Elf and Saftee got involved.......when ya could buy what ya wanted and waft it around in ya garage with just an old hankie tidied over ya nose for air filtering....
Whoops...nearly got on mi soap box again.....

Posh ! Fill both mi flagons wi ya strongest throat lube..............
I'm gonna celebrate.....

The BSA B31 that time forgot - Part1

Greetings blog readers - You are one of only a few left on our planet able to read and understand my messages........I am transmitting from a conventional P.C. keyboard......and green teeth monitor.  You must be receiving on the same compatible hardware ? Be aware all conventional methods of communication are breaking down....... We must resist the evil that is amongst.us.............We have not got long to stabilise humanity, before long our offsprings will be a slaves to mind numbing (and butt numbing) technology......
Surely the young kids of today care about internal combustion engines? Petrol, oil and sparks ?????
Do not under estimate the threat of the Matrix ! The information is freely available in Wiki-peeedia..
Click the links........If you don't believe me you surely believe Jimmy Wales (wiki fruitcake founder)

 Earth is dominated by sentient machines that were created early in the 21st century and rebelled against humanity. At one point, humans attempted to block out the machines' source of solar power by covering the sky in thick, stormy clouds. However, the machines devised a way to extract humans' bioelectricity and thermal energy by growing people in pods, while their minds are kept under control by cybernetic implants connecting them to a simulated reality called the Matrix


I, Albert Keanu Crackleport will challenge The Matrix and all it stands for by bringing back to life a valuable relic. This relic (and family heirloom) , a BSA B31 (once the epitomy of Blightys domination on world motorcycle production) was thought lost for ever. Nay, and thrice nay, It has laid dormant in boxes for over quarter of a century in my garage......some parts may be missing...some parts need funny sizes of spanners, and some parts are that rusty they are unrecognisable. In the next edition of  The Vintafaker v The Matrix we will look closely at the task that lays ahead.

Posh, everything is going green and binary coded............1 0 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 1 1 1 1
Does that mean I need a flagon or have had one too many.?

Whatever.............I'll have another just to be sure...........

Who's counted the balls ?
Yep, ya all thought I had just 2 in the air............I know, 2 is plenty for most chaps, but here in 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' us special chaps are a little bit more capable and better equiped for adventures on the wild side.
Oh yes. It's not ofetn (hang on let me spell it again.....often.....bloody keyboard...who's jumbled the letters?...) indeed it's not often that us men folk get a chance to multi task.....Phfffffff  Yeah right been doing it for years but don't tell Posh.........
3rd ball thrown into the air for the enjoyment of Vintafans worldwide then is the latest addition to the Crackleport project list.....The down side of all this ball throwing for those with reduced brain power (due to mobile phone radiation damage obviously - and don't come on the Vintafake channel looking for sympathy - tough bloody luck) is that keeping up with the blog could prove to be difficult. For those who haven't fried their heads with shopping apps and stray T.V. soap tweets it will still be pretty easy peasy lemon squeezy to keep up with the news.....

Tonight I shall be introducing my BSA B31.....The poor old thing has been in boxes for over 30 years...I was thinking that it wouldn't take up as much room if it was in one piece. Pretty poor reason at my age to start getting involved with old Whitworth spanners but an added incentive is the new UK ruling that excluded pre1960 vehicles from needing MOT's......what were the goverment thinking ? ...Who gives a sh*t....
Power to the people....

Here's a picture of the BSA in 1979........ just before the strip down.

I'll just run it by the fried head brigade again.....S L O W L Y .
Ball 1 - V.Bobber......correcting design errors and helping achieve world domination for cowboy boot wearing owners with large moustaches......and that's just the Polish Sausage Stuffing Chicks .....chicks ?
Ball 2 - Building a wheel of such roundness it will encourage Perpetual Mobilie.
Ball 3 - Breath life into the BSA B31 that time forgot.

Hang on, Ball 1 and 2 are the same project...................
A L B E R T ! You've only really got two balls to play with in 'The Old Sidevalve Bar' after all !

Well on that saddening note I shall raise a flagon to the ball that never was........Alas we knew it well..
Posh ! Hold these balls tightly, I don't want to loose another......